


Please, leave a message

by bellofthetolppl



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Parents, Angst, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Letters, Lost Love, Pain, Voicemails
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-29
Updated: 2016-12-29
Packaged: 2018-09-13 03:22:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9104458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bellofthetolppl/pseuds/bellofthetolppl
Summary: Clarke dies while giving birth to their son Jake. Bellamy is heartbroken and can’t get over the fact that she’s gone, so he keeps leaving her voice mails.





	

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Hey, guys I wrote this one-shot as a gift for @bellamyblake as part of the Bellarke Secret Santa. Hope you like it and Happy Holidays!

_Hi, this is Clarke. I’m either in surgery or home curled up in bed next to my husband while we’re watching Sherlock, so if you’ve got something important or unimportant-Monty that goes for you-to say, please leave a message._

**January 27th, 2015, 21:18 PM**

_Hey, Clarke. I realize that what I am doing right now is probably the craziest thing I’ve ever done since I took you to that godawful trip to Kentucky in the middle of the night for no reason other than we both just needed a break and were two crazy ass college kids. I don’t mind even if I am going insane. I just...needed to talk to you, even though I realize technically you’re never going to answer. Still...I hope it gets me some peace. It’s been two weeks since I took Jake home on my own. It was supposed to be the two of us, remember? I think I’m doing fine with him, I have raised O since she was the same little nugget so changing diapers and feeding him is not that hard. The other day however, I almost put his diaper on his head because I was that sleepy and my sister kicked me off to bed. I honestly haven’t slept since you left. Not for more than an hour. But I’ve promised you before you went in labor that no matter what, I would take care of him, so rest assure-I’m never giving up on our boy. Monty, Jasper and Raven has been here almost every day since I first took him home, but now they have gone back to work and they don’t pass by as often. I think they were afraid I would do something stupid or have some kind of breakdown. I’m honestly just really tired and sad, but not angry, not right now. I still believe that you’ll walk right through that door any minute now and we’ll curl up on our bed and watch a marathon of some show and then I’ll watch you fall asleep in my arms. I don’t think I’ll ever stop waiting. I love you and I- *beep*_

**March 15th, 2015, 9:17 PМ**

_Hey, Clarke. I’m currently curled up on our bathroom floor, having some kind of a breakdown I guess. I started work last week, taking only night shifts at the bar, but I had to come home early today because Jake has been fussy, since his colic started and Octavia couldn’t really calm him down no matter what she did. When I got him, he curled up on my chest and I started walking around the room, singing to him or just talking to him. I told him how the two of us met and what of a stubborn blond hurricane you were. He cracked a smile, believe it or not! He refused to fall though, I think he likes my stories, so you were right about that one. When he finally fell asleep and I placed him in his crib, I..I just kind of...broke, I guess? And here I am now-all alone and pathetic on the bathroom floor. I’m not drinking, I promised myself that I never would, I don’t think it solves anything, it actually only makes me feel more lonely. Honestly...I don’t know how good of a job I’m doing here. I am afraid I am fucking this up, Clarke, I am scared to death that...I’m not enough for him. He needs his mom, he really needs you and I need you as well. I don’t want to let him or you down...And I am afraid that this is just what I’m doing._

_Before I picked the phone I had a hard time breathing. I felt like I was suffocating and I have no idea how long it lasted until I clenched my fists and closed my eyes, trying to imagine what you would say. I still miss you all the same. I don’t think that will ever go away._

**May 3rd, 2015, 4:20 AM**

_Hey, Clarke. Today I took Jake to your grave for the first time. He was in a good mood and he’s growing up way too fast. Octavia jokes that it won’t be too soon and I’ll have to give him the sex talk. She quite honestly terrifies me lately, but she never leaves my side. I am afraid she’s spending more time with me and Jake that with Lincoln, so I’ve decided to ask him to take her away on a vacation or something so she can relax. I still see the pity in her eyes when I come home from work. She keeps telling me I’m not eating or sleeping enough and she scolds me for the fridge being empty. I love her, but I am honestly fine. Raven’s been coming at least once a week as well. She loves Jake and she talks a lot to him-only mechanic stuff that I don’t get, but here’s the thing-he never stops smiling at her. His face lights up when he sees her, I have no idea how she does it. She’s spoiling him rotten though and she’s gotten it into her head that she’ll make the best mechanic out of him. I’ll leave our boy decide for himself who he wants to be, as long as he’s healthy and happy, it means I’m doing this the right way. I still miss you all the same. You know what the strange thing is? My biggest fear after you left, was that I’ll start forgetting you or I won’t remember certain small things or that our bedroom sheets will lose your scent, but here’s the thing-my love for you only grows more and more with every passing day. I had no idea this would happen and I’m little taken aback by it, but sometimes I go out on the balcony with a cup of coffee in hand and feel the spring wind brushing away the hair from my forehead, I close my eyes and think of you. It’s almost like you’re there with me._

_Almost._

_I know you never really left m-_

_*beep*_

**July 19th, 2015, 11:11 PM**

_Hey, Clarke. Guess where I am? That’s right, the bathroom floor. I’m not having one of those episodes or anything, I just came here to wash my face and ended up on the floor, dialing your number. I just wanted to tell you that your son sat up for the first time today. I have placed him on a blanket on the floor with all his toys and started folding all his clothes and cleaning around. He was blabbing his baby sounds, it’s his way of talking to me lately and I always answer back, even though I’m not sure we’re discussing the same subject. I was with my back to him and when I turned around I found him sitting, holding this funny purple teddy bear that Raven brought him, giving me one of his toothless smiles, after which he started nibbling on the blanket-he does that a lot. I stood there completely stunned and I’ll shamelessly admit I teared up. I spent the afternoon with him, it was my day off. I have picked up on another two jobs so now besides the bar I’m working as a security at the mall and I do some construction with your old friend Roan during the weekends. We get just fine lately, so don’t worry about me wanting to punch him or anything. He turned out to be a decent guy. Anyway, I had to hire a nanny and after two weeks of desperately searching for one, I picked Nathan Miller. Turned out he knew you from Med School. He’s great with Jake, our son adores him and I was as you can guess reluctant to leave him with anyone but my sister, but I now trust Nate completely. He’s a great guy. And here’s some gossip for you-I think he has a crush on our boy Monty._

_I’m sorry we haven’t been there to see you lately. I’ll try to make it up to you this weekend. I’ll take Jake with me too, he gets strangely chipper when we visit you. It’s like he can feel your presence. I’m telling you-he might have my awfully messy hair and the same freckly face, but God his eyes...his eyes are yours, Clarke. Sometimes when I look at him, he leaves me breathless. It’s like you’re standing right there in front of me again, scolding me for being the rudest ass to ever been born on this earth. I don’t know why I thought you were gone-you’re not, you live in him. We both do._

**September 2nd, 2015, 20:24 PM**

_Hey, Clarke. First of all-I’m calling from the hospital, but please, don’t freak out. I’ve been in an accident of a sort. Remember when I told you I work construction with Roan? Well...I kind of lost me balance and fell off the scaffolding today. I hit my head pretty hard and I have a broken arm and knee as well as a few ribs and some internal bleeding so they’re getting my into surgery in a bit. Octavia is currently yelling at the doctor outside the room for probably no reason at all. Jake is with Nate so don’t worry, he’s save. I only wish that I’ve kissed him goodbye before work today, I was in such a rush to leave that I forgot and I hate myself for it. If you’re wondering if I’m scared-I’m not. At least not for myself. Ever since you’ve been gone a part of me died as well, leaving a hole that will never be fixed. So if something goes wrong during the surgery, at least I can say that I will welcome it silently and calmly. I am afraid of leaving Jake alone, though. As much as I want to see you again, I know he’s still just a baby. I have to raise him, I can’t leave him until he’s able to do this on his own. So, for him and for you, I’ll fight. I have to go now, the nurse is coming in. I love you, Clarke._

**December 23rd, 2015, 3:15 AM**

_Hey, Clarke! I’m currently sitting near the Christmas tree, fixing up some of the presents under it, our son is sleeping, strapped to my chest. He’s been really fussy lately, with his teeth coming out and I don’t know how he does it, but the other day he shoved his fist in his mouth and he was so funny! Looked like he was trying to eat his fingers. If you think I’ve forgotten about that dream while I was in surgery, you’re wrong. I don’t know how much of it was real and how much just a part of my imagination, but either way thank you for showing up for me and giving me strength and peace. I know that things will work out eventually and we’ll see each other again. Hopefully, not because I’ve been dumb enough to fall while working. I needed more than a month to recover, but I’m all good now and I got back to work last week. My sister has forbidden me from having more than two jobs, she was really pissed off that I fell, but I think she also felt guilty for some reason, as if she was supposed to keep me save, but couldn’t. I talked to her and we cleared things out last week, made her promise me she’ll stop worrying so much. On another note-your mom and Kane are coming for Christmas tomorrow. I’ve been skyping with them once a week ever since you’ve been gone. Your mom adores Jake, she’s spoiling him more than I am and Kane is so good with him! I wish you could see them, they are great at the whole grandparenting thing. It gives me peace that Jake has them too.We’re all coming by to see you tomorrow, so I’ll tell you more about that then. I can’t believe that only a year ago we were together right at this same spot in front of the fireplace. I was massaging your legs remember? You were fussy because Jake was kicking so much! He was eager to come out and join our world and you were so tired and sleepy. I remember carrying you to bed that night, I remember how you snuggled up in my chest, how cold you were in my hands. I guess I should’ve figured something wasn’t right back then. Maybe if I had, you’d still be here. No matter how many times the doctors and your mom tell me that nothing could’ve been done for you, I would never stop thinking that some of this is my fault. I miss you, Clarke. God, I miss you so much!_

**January 10th, 2016, 10:13 PM**

_Hey, Clarke! Listen...this is probably going to be my last message. My sister caught me trying to talk to you today so when she demanded an explanation, I told her I’ve been paying your phone bill, so I can still leave you voice mails. She was mad, but I am sure that’s not a surprise for you. After that we talked some and we both agreed it’s time for me to stop doing this. I can’t bring you back and even though I leave all those messages, I know you’ll never answer. And I have to get used to that and learn to live with it. So she’ll go and probably cut off your phone tomorrow. I just wanted to talk to you like this one last time, tell you that Jake had the best birthday today. He’s already one, can you imagine? I have no idea how this is the best and the worst day of my life. I’ve been both so happy and sad today, I don’t know how it’s even possible. I had no idea...one could **feel** so much! We had a big cake, Jake got most of it on his face. Raven gave him a constructor, Monty and Jasper came up with the biggest version of plush Simba there was out there. Jake loves The Lion King, if I haven’t told you that. He could watch it for hours upon end and never get sick of it. My sister got him a book with Greek myths, similar to the one we had as kids and I read him one story before bed tonight, I think he likes it. Your mom and Kane were here as well, of course, they helped me a lot with the party. I think Jake is going to walk soon. I really wish you could see him, but actually...I think that you can. I know you never really left us. Call me stupid to believe that, but I know you’re smiling down at both of us from somewhere right now. I promise you, I’ll keep taking care of our boy, I’ll give everything for him, I’ll work hard and provide him the best education I can. I will love him for both of us. _

_Goodbye, Clarke. May we meet again._

**December 23rd, 2037, 10:15 AM**

_Dear Mom,_

_I know that writing you a letter must be a bit confusing. It actually is a little strange for me too, but I’ve just come home and I felt the urge to sit down and talk to you. Even though we’ve never really met, I had this feeling that you would understand me best right now. I am sure you’re used to dad leaving letters on your grave. I know he did it once a year, around Christmas. I don’t know what it was he told you, it surely must’ve been more cheerful than what I am about to write._

_Dad passed away last night. I don’t know if you already know this, I like to imagine that you two are together somewhere by now. He strongly believed in that. I actually asked him a little bit before he fell asleep if he’s scared and he just smiled, saying he can’t wait to see you soon. It’s been a while for him._

_I still can’t believe he managed to keep from us for so long that he’s sick. 8 months, can you imagine? 8 months he’s been going through all of this on his own. The funny thing is, me and aunt Octavia wouldn’t have even found out, has he not collapsed at work. We got a call from uncle Nate. Even he didn’t know! I’ve always known my father’s strong, but this was something else completely. I have no idea how he did it, I am sure you’re not surprised by it. I was mad at him when we finally got to the hospital. Aunt Octavia actually yelled at him and I tried to hold it together but at the end I had my own outburst. He let us do that to him, he was so calm-he just stood there and smiled, shook his head and apologized. I don’t think aunt Octavia has still forgiven him about that-when they discharged him and I took him home, he kept repeating she’ll need some time, she was good at holding a grudge._

_He refused to let me stay with him. Insisted that I got back on campus right away, that aunt Raven and aunt Octavia are there for him and that he was feeling better (which was a lie, because they’ve decided to stop the chemo before they discharged him, which of course caused aunt Octavia to almost kill the poor doctor. Uncle Lincoln had to hold her, she was going to hit him!). So I left, but I kept coming every weekend to check on him._

_This weekend when I came home though, I found him collapsed on the floor near the couch, blood all over his clothes. I didn’t panic, I just called an ambulance right away. He likes to say that I am a lot like you-that I love deeply and passionately, but that I’ very stubborn yet in dire situations I remain calm and collected. He always said I have your eyes. Everyone did, actually, but I still think mine are a shade paler than your blue. Anyway, when we took him there, the doctors said he probably won’t survive the night. He was in a lot of pain, but he refused the drugs, said he wanted to be sane and spend his last hours with me and aunt Octavia. We talked a lot, he grew more and more tired with every hour, but the last thing we discussed was how you two met. I have heard this story many times before, but this one it was different-I could see it in his eyes, he felt as if he’s seeing you right in front of him. It made me realize, he’s in love with you still. There were a few girlfriends throughout the years, Gina being the one I liked the most, but her sudden death was another punch in the face for him. Moreover, I don’t think he loved her the way he loved you. You know once, when I was seven, I heard him talking to aunt Raven about you. He said ever since you left him, he’s been only half alive. I didn’t understand him back then. I think I do a little bit better now._

_He was in too much pain for me and aunt Octavia to keep watching him like that so we asked the nurse to give him drugs. He agreed to them this time and we held his hand until he fell. He died in his sleep a few hours later, peacefully and with a smile on his face. I’d like to think he dreamed of you or maybe that you held his hand when we no longer could._

_I’ve been crying ever since I left his room, I am crying now as well, so sorry if this is a little smudged. Aunt Octavia is a mess. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her break down like this before._

_If you’re with him now, please, make sure he understands that he was the best father I could’ve asked for. He gave me everything I wished for, and more. But he still had this feeling that he was no enough, I’ve heard him talk about it with aunt Octavia and grandpa Kane. Has he ever said something like that to you? It must’ve been hard for you to convince him of it. It has been hard for me as well, but if there’s one person who can do it, I believe it’s you._

_We’re burying him tomorrow, right next to you. I’ll leave this letter there for you before I go home._

_I love you and I hope I’ll get to meet you one day_

_Your son,_

_Jake._


End file.
